With a non-emergency case the paralyzing jitteriness will subside only after the abdomen is gaping wide open. That's when the job really begins. Any error, misjudgment, wrong movement or false decision can lead to a long list of complications. If you lose him, everybody will tell you that you should have known better. Worst of all, you will keep reminding yourself that it was your fault. If he heals without incident, it's no big deal. You're a surgeon. It's your job.
On the other hand, in an emergency you operate on a dying patient—or to be more precise, on a patient who will die if you do not operate on him. He's got everything to lose, and you can win it all for him. You're the star kicker fielded in the final seconds of the game to take your team to victory, kicking from a distance never before achieved. You've been practicing your whole career to perform above expectations, but if you can't that's OK. If he dies, no one will blame you. They'll understand you did the best you could. Like a soldier on the losing side, perhaps you made a mistake, perhaps not.
If he survives, however, you are a hero. Scrutiny is blind to the celebrated.
"Dr. Zohar—" Radezki began as he rinsed the antiseptic solution from his arms. I heard alarm in the tone of his voice. Something was worrying him. This was definitely the wrong time to get sidetracked by negativity.
"What's the matter, Pav?" Forgetting that my face was covered by mask I hoped my smile was encouraging. He was hesitant nonetheless.
"Well, you know—in two weeks I'll have to present Dr. Mantzur's recent pickup at the M&M."
Thank heavens it has nothing to do with this operation! Instead, it was about the M&M, the "Morbidity and Mortality" meetings where we regularly discuss events and complications leading to a patient's death. Pavel was obviously worried about getting into trouble with Mantzur, that's all. It was not easy for a resident to present at these meetings when one of the big shots like Mantzur was involved.
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